I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
