Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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