As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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