Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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