I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
