And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
