I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
