i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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