turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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