I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
