is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize