everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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