Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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