I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
