I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
