i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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