Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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