The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
