A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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