I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
