if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
