Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
