2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
