do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize