Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
