I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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