I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
