I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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