omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize