Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
