I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
