Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
