We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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