Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
