Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
