So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
