your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
