Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
