ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
