Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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