you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Drake has all the answers
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
