these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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