I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
