Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
