saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
