I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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