my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
People in love make me want to vomit
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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