I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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