I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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