Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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