Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
