i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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