Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
