Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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