Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
