Your mouth is God's brothel.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
