I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
