just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
