I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
