my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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