yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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