Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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